Monday, February 9, 2009

The "F" Word: The FCC vs. Miss Maxie Jones

The mild-mannered Spin’s Vixenella has had enough of General Hospital…again This time she is taking matters into her own hands and calling in the Feds, not the Feds currently sniffing around Port Charles for dangerous balls, but the Federal Communications Commission. Yes, in utter exasperation, the Vixenella has finally reported GH to the FCC. Here is a transcript of her call.

FCC: Good Morning, this is the Federal Communications Commission Complaint Department. This call may be recorded for quality control purposes. Now, how may I help you?

Vixenella: Hi, Vixenella here. Are ya’ll the bunch in charge of regulating the public air waves, like network TV…the same ones who raised all that hell about Janet Jackson's boob-shot at the Super Bowl?

FCC: Yes, we are.

Vixenella: Well, the Vixenella is a patient woman and certainly not one to complain, but I can’t take the outrageous obscenity on General Hospital any longer. I want the FCC to crack down on GH like the Goth God of Zume.

FCC: Miss Vixenella, what exactly is the nature of your complaint?

Vixenella: Well, it is Miss Maxie Jones and her persistent, wanton, reckless use of the “F” word. Should decent, God-fearing, refined, sensitive viewers of daytime television, such as the Vixenella, be exposed to Maxie’s use of the “F” word day after day? What about children? There could be kids watching, and what do they hear, the foul “F” word rolling off Maxie’s tongue without a second thought.

FCC: Miss Vixenella, are you suggesting the “F” word has been used on General Hospital, a daytime network program?

Vixenella: Yes, that is exactly what I am telling you. Maxie Jones on General Hospital has used the “F” word at least a zillion times. Nearly everytime she speaks of Mr. Damien M. Spinelli she uses the “F” word, and I’ve had enough of her assault on decency.

FCC: Miss Vixenella, have you contacted the program or network directly about your concern?

Vixenella: Do you think I would be bothering you if I hadn’t already contacted both GH and the network? I have written and called that GH Head Writer/Special Consultant Bob Guza, and the truth is…I think Guza loves the “F” word as much as Maxie Jones does.

FCC: Miss Vixenella, can you describe the nature of your contact with Mr. Guza?

Vixenella: Well, first I called Mr. Guza and told him I thought Maxie Jones needed her mouth washed out with soap. He asked if that was because Maxie kissed Johnny Z, and I said, “no, but a good lip- scrubbing with some antibacterial soap wouldn’t hurt that either.”

I explained as regrettable and vile as Maxie kissing Lulu’s angry, worthless, shiftless, boyfriend was, it was not my business to judge if she wanted to whore herself out and wallow in the muck with the likes of Johnny Z. I advised Mr. Guza my concern was strictly limited to Maxie’s continuous, daily use of the “F” word.

I implored Mr. Guza to have Maxie cease and desist her wretched use of the “F” word, particularly when speaking to or about Mr. Spinelli. I advised Guza, "everyone on nine planets had already heard Maxie call Spinelli the “F” word…"

FCC: Excuse me, Miss Vixenella, are we talking about the same obscene “F” word?

Vixenella: Sir, we must be talking about the same “F” word. Have you ever heard Maxie use another “F” word? “Friend” is the only “F” word she knows. In fact, at this point, it may be the only word of any alphabetic stripe, she knows.

The Vixenella knows doggone well Maxie’s obsessive use of the “Friend-word” to describe Spinelli is a bald-faced lie. Spinelli is not just her friend; Maxie Jones is in love with Spinelli; you know it; I know it; fans everywhere know it; Guza knows it; Hell, the crew of the International Space Station knows it, but every day ad nauseum, we are exposed to this incessant “F” word from Maxie’s lips. At this point, most GH fans would prefer exposure to the free-range toxic balls roaming Port Charles than to hear Maxie whine out that “F” word one.more.time.

And, since ABC doesn’t have the good sense to put a stop to it, can you FCC people step up and help out here?

FCC: Now, Miss Vixenella, when you contacted Mr. Guza did he give you any satisfaction that changes in Maxie’s use of the “F” word would be forthcoming?

Vixenella: No, he did not, and this crap with the “F” word has been going on for nearly a year. I’m telling you, I think Bob Guza himself is the one behind Maxie’s use of the “F” word. The last message from Mr. Guza was back during the summer when he told us to “Believe.” Guza said to “believe f*ship would turn into love,” and we’ve been “believing,” but as to the Spinelli and Maxie romantic love story, it has been slim on the “receiving.”

Suffice it to say, the Vixenella’s negotiations with Mr. Guza broke off when he declined the Vixenella’s kind invitation for a sudsy mouth scrub with a scorching hot metal-brush, if he let Maxie use the “F” word one more time.

FCC: Is there something the FCC could convey to Mr. Guza to prompt settlement in a mutually agreeable fashion?

Vixenella: Well, now that you mention it, I would be satisfied with the following: Maxie could add “boy” before the “F” word when speaking of Mr. Spinelli, i.e. “boyfriend.” That would work, or Miss Jones could refer to Mr. Spinelli as her lover, significant other, bed-buddy, or at least something remotely descriptive of their relationship, but the “F” word, friend has got to go before this Vixenella does some toxic ball-bashing of her own.

FCC: Miss Vixenella, to avoid a nasty investigation, is there any consensus or compromise you can reach with GH regarding Miss Jones’ use of the “F” word?

Vixenella: No, there is no middle-ground. Spinelli and Maxie have been doing their dance of love for too long. So, this Spixie fan is not willing to compromise by accepting only a Spixie friendship as some warped consolation prize! I don't want a Spixie friendship...I've seen that; it was lovely, and it has beautifully moved on to love, so either cough up the Spixie love story, or put an end to the “f*ship.” It is indecent and obscene how long the Vixenella has been waiting for a romantic Spixie love story.

FCC: Thank you, Miss Vixenella. You poor dear, you and the Spixie fans have suffered enough. For the love of all that is right and just, we will get right on this.

Vixenella: Thank you! Ta and Spixie Kisses to you and the whole gang over at the FCC.

*Vixenella snaps out of her Lemon Vodka Collins delirium …*

Vixenella’s Video of the Day:

As evidence to the FCC, the Vixenella would submit EXHIBIT A. As far back as March 2008, Mvidder NeverLetGo97 demonstrates Miss Maxie Jones’ persistent use of the “F” word. With thanks & Spixie Kisses to Mvid by NeverLetGo97, Song: BestFriend, Artist: Toybox.


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